Four years ago

Four years ago today everything changed. Oh, maybe not for you but it did for me. Four years ago my son made his grand entrance to the world. I had spent the previous months terrified that I couldn't do the huge job ahead. I, who had never changed a diaper, barely had held a baby, and didn't really like kids, figured that mothering was not going to be my best ability. And for the first few weeks I think I lived up to that self-fulfilling prophecy, looking at the infant who kept me awake at nights, never seemed to sleep, and cried most of the time, with something less than love. Mostly I looked at him with fear but eventually that changed and I fell head over heels for the boy. These past four years have been the best of my life, truly, and, as cliche as it sounds, I really can't remember life without him. What hubby and I did without his silliness making us laugh or his insight into something amazing us, I don't know. Before four years ago I just went to bed, I guess, never stopping to stand over a bed or a crib, whispering a prayer of gratitude for the occupant inside as I do now every night. Before four years ago, I slept more but the waking hours weren't nearly as fun or interesting (or stressful and frustrating at times). Four years ago I didn't know what a Backyardigan was and I couldn't tell you the name of Clifford the Big Red Dog's owner or how to make homemade plasticine or how to swaddle a baby with my eyes closed. I never thought I would enjoy a children's birthday party just because of how it makes my son happy to go to one or how rewarding and peaceful (and stressful and frustrating at times) breastfeeding could be.

And now I'm going to do it all again with child number two due in March. This time I go into it with much less apprehension and much more appreciation of the task at hand. I've heard people say that going from one child to two is the hardest but obviously they forgot about going from zero to one when your life was changed completely and things went from being about you to about someone else. When your sleeping was suddenly at the mercy of another person who didn't always cooperate. When you learned that a little toothless smile at 4:00 in the morning after you haven't slept all night can fill your eyes with joyful tears and can make you know that if you could just have that smile forever, Sunday morning lie-ins, and watching TV without any disturbances, and going out to supper all the time without crayon placemats at your table could be things you can do without. Just like I found out four years ago.