Anniversary

My husband and I have been married five years today. Seems like a small number when you consider the fact that we have been together 26 years (yes, I was a mere fetus). On that first wedding night we went to a nice bed and breakfast with a jacuzzi in it and swore we would do it every year on our anniversary. Ha. On our first anniversary our son was eight days old. I was in the midst of postpartum depression. Hubby and I went out for a drive while I dreaded the thought of having to go back to the screaming baby at home. We went shopping for a breast pump. I remember the person who sold/rented them at Parkdale Pharmacy wasn't in yet and we had to kill twenty minutes. We walked around in the cold, rainy parking lot, holding hands while I tried not to cry and turned my mouth into a smile-like shape when I looked at my husband. I wanted him to think that I was okay. That I was still the sane person he had married the year before. I don't think it worked and I know for sure that the trying not to cry didn't work.

The next year we had a one year old and really had no one to look after him for a whole night so no B&B. The following year, on our anniversary, I found out I was pregnant. I slipped a homemade card announcing the news (the same one I'd used in telling him of our impending first child only with AGAIN on it) into his anniversary card. We went to supper and celebrated and were excited at the thought of another one. But that child was not meant to be and our anniversary last year only managed to remind me of the sadness of our loss and how happy we had mistakenly been the previous year. We took the boy out with us for a quiet supper last year and I vowed never to connect two things like that together again for fear one would always stand as a reminder of the other. And it does. No doubt about it. I'll never have another anniversary without remembering what we lost, without thinking about hubby and I at the Bagel Cafe, he drinking his beer, me happy that I was stuck with water, or the anniversary card with the insert inside.

This year we're pregnant again and past that scary first trimester. It makes the tinged day a little easier to know we have this baby on the way now. As for today, I mentioned to my son that Daddy and I might be going out for supper for our anniversary and maybe he could stay with one of his aunts while we did. He said "why can't we have our anniversary right here, all together". Hubby and I agreed with him and so it's takeout tonight. I figure one day we'll get back to that B&B and the jacuzzi though.